


Lay your soul to rest

by RachelDanna



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, It Gets Better, M/M, Multi, OT4, Polygamy Relationship, Timeskip: college, kei has the best boyfriends
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-15
Updated: 2016-05-15
Packaged: 2018-06-08 14:21:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,851
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6858499
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RachelDanna/pseuds/RachelDanna
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“You don’t know that.” Kei whispers, taking his hands away from Koutarou’s to take his glasses off, wiping away the tears in his eyes in the process. “I’m scared.” He admits at last, the lump in his throat growing more painful at the second. “I don’t want any of you to leave. Because I’m not as good as you think I am. I’m not as great as others make me out to be. I don’t think I ever will be. Not now, not ever.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	Lay your soul to rest

Stress bubbles in his veins, exhaustion weighing heavy on his shoulder, a sense of dread making it’s home in his stomach; anxiety crawls up his spine like a spider crafting a web. 

He should’ve known better.

He should’ve known that the day wouldn’t flow smoothly. Really, he should’ve. The stress he feels was telling him that _you can’t do it,_ exhaustion forcing him to take breaks more often and lose focus, the dread in his stomach snickering away as he finds mistake after mistake on his already printed project, the anxiety slowly making itself loud and clear as it’s run on his spine comes to a stop and instead settles as voices in his head.

_You can’t do it; something’s going to go wrong. You’re not doing it right, you’re messing up. God, you can’t do anything right can you. Idiot. Coward. Maybe you should just-_

Kei took a deep breath, and quickly pulled his headphones up to cover his ears, silencing the voices in his head as he begins his slow walk back home.

The winter jacket tucked around his body did nothing to shield him from the blistering cold night air. Yet, Kei tucks it closer, breathing out icy air.

He pauses to look at the puff in front of his face, and dully notes that it was colder than he expected. _How stupid, didn’t Tetsu tell you to take a scarf? Pathetic aren’t you. Pathetic._

Kei turned the volume on his music up higher, and continues walking.

Tokyo was still bustling with people, still, the only thing Kei could hear was the loud music blasting in his ears, and the quieter whispers of those voices at the back of his head. The people on the streets casts him glances, glances that Kei had to shy away from and do his best to just ignore. It was all in his head. It’s all in his head but someone was clearly judging him in some way that probably didn’t matter, but somehow did.

Gritting his teeth, his fists clenches in the pockets of his jacket.

“You’ve done this before. You can get yourself home. Calm down. You’re alright.” He mutters, under his breath so that no one else but him would be able to hear.

 _You’re not alright at all._ A voice that sounds a lot like Keiji supplies loud and clear, despite the music.

Kei swallows, his knees shaking as he forces himself to keep moving. How long has he been walking? It felt like forever. But when he checks for the route and time, he realizes that the train station was much further than he anticipated.

He was going to miss the last train.

Tears start building up in his eyes, soon to be frantically blinked away and forced back. It did nothing to stop the clenching of his throat, and the feeling of it was unpleasant and painful.

_Can’t even get yourself home. Aren’t you worthless? How pitiful._

Having had enough, he stops in his tracks, breathing uneven and heavy. It wasn’t until a few people had bumped into him and started cursing at him to _move_ that Kei finally did. Moved to corner right on that pathway, sitting down and curling on himself in the process.

Before he knows it, his whole body starts shaking, trembling from something that wasn’t the cold. Kei could feel the questioning stares of people that were passing by, making him bury his face in his knees even tighter, uncaring of the way his glasses pressed the bridge of his nose painfully.

By the bright light over his head, he assumed he managed to secure a spot beneath a lamppost. Not that it mattered. Really, nothing mattered anymore. Not even him.

Kei sat there for a long, long time. Long enough to think about all the flaws he had, all the mistakes he had done, all the petty arguments that he had with Koutarou that never actually mattered in the end. The smiles on Tetsurou’s, Koutarou, and Keiji’s faces that would surely morph into disappointment at his state.

They believed he was getting better. Who was he to take that belief away from them?

His fingers were starting to go numb from the cold, despite it being gloved. His body was already shaking, his breathing coming out sharper and harder, with his ears red and lips chapped.

Not one person stopped to see what was wrong.

But who would? No one would care anyway right? He tries his best every step of the way. But none of that actually mattered, did it? He was just someone that was born to fulfill _something_ in this world that didn’t even concern him. _(he doesn’t know what that something is, and it’s frightening)_

Just as Kei feels his body slowly shutting down, the heavy pitter patter of footsteps that was once just a background noise grew louder, forcing him to look up.

“KEI!”

He barely has time to blink before a body built mostly out of muscle comes crashing into him, sending them both sprawled on the ground, followed by a loud voice right at his ear. “Shit, I was so worried. _We_ were so worried. What are you doing?! Standing out here in the middle of winter?!”

He looks up through the haze of his brain, and groans, “Koutarou..” he trails off, recognizing the owlish eyes that were examining him. “Koutarou what are you-” he frowns, letting himself be pulled up. “Crap, you’re so _cold_. How long have you been sitting here?” he questions, taking off his scarf to wrap it around Kei.

His leg wobbles and he falls, closing his eyes for the impact only to be caught by a pair of strong arms. “Kei!” Koutarou yelps as he catches him, wrapping his arms around the blonde. Kei shudders at the body heat that envelops him, and weakly presses his forehead against Koutarou’s shoulder.

“Kou.” He starts, ignoring the worried yells of his lover, “What time is it?” he mumbles, letting the man pull him into a half carry half hug, supporting his weight entirely. How long was he out there to have one of his lovers come out to get him? _You can’t do anything on your own, can you? You’re really troublesome you know that._

Kei can _feel_ him tensing, before he even checked his watch to reply. “…. It’s half past 1am. God Tsukki, you’re freezing” He says eventually. Kei was supposed to be home hours ago. He feels his eyes fill with tears again, along with the urge to start crying. He clenches his fists and bites his lip, pressing against the stronger built of his boyfriend and finally lets go.

His cries are ugly and messy, snot and tears running down his face as he flops completely against the body, undecipherable babble leaving his lips. “I’m sorry, _I’m sorry,_ Kou. _I’m so so sorry-_ ”

Kei can hear Koutarou saying something, but he doesn’t know _what_ , everything was starting to blur together and his arms were getting weaker from how tight he was clutching Koutarou’s jacket.

“I’m going to call Tetsurou to bring the car around now okay? You’re going to be alright, Kei. You’re going to be alright and-”

He feels the edges of his vision dimming, his grip on Koutarou’s jacket loosening as he collapses against the body, blacking out with the frantic yells of his boyfriend along with a dial tone accompanying him.

 

 

 

When he came to, it was still dark outside and he could faintly see snowflakes glued to the apartment window. He groaned, tucking his head in between his arms as he tries to get his bearings straight.

“Kei?” A soft voice calls out.

Kei ignores it, trying to find out where he was, and why was he so _cold._ The owner of the voice pulled up the blankets over his shoulder, and despite himself, Kei flinches away.

“You’re home, Kei.” The voice supplies, soft and gentle, soothing Kei’s nerves. “You’re home and you’re safe. You’re alright.” The voice trails off into a hum, settling down on the bed beside the blonde. “Do you recognize me?”

Kei looks up through his blurry vision, peering at the person above him. He sits up, hissing lowly at the pain in his head and grabs his glasses on the counter. At the pained hiss, the person hands him a few paracetamol and a glass of water. “You have a fever.” He supplies, lip tight and hands shaking.

With his vision clear, and the fuzziness of his head slowly clearing up, he looks at the person and relaxes even more. “Keiji.” He mumbles, letting the man take his hand to place the medicine.

“Take your meds. I’ll be right back. Tetsurou is making porridge for you.” Keiji smiles, the expression all- _wrong_ on his face with the way his eyebrows were scrunched together. He stands, about to leave the room when Kei reaches out to hold onto the ends of the sweater he was wearing, nearly dropping the small pills. “Don’t.” Kei blurts, tugging on the fabric.

“Don’t go.” He whispers, ducking his head in shame, his toes curling underneath the blanket. Keiji only pauses for half a second before climbing into bed next to him. “Take your meds, Kei.” Keiji mutters, a shaky hand reaching up to brush through golden locks, “and then we can talk.”

Kei looks at his lover, and slumps, “You’re angry.” He says. Keiji doesn’t reply, instead, his hands stop it’s movement and rests at the base of Kei’s neck. Kei mentally scolds himself, taking the medicine just to cut through the nerve wrecking silence in their bedroom. “Why are you angry?” He asks, clenching the now empty glass in his hands.

“I’m not angry.”

“Yes you are.” Kei whispers again, dropping the glass onto the floor, cracking it but not shattering it. “You’re angry with me.”

“Kei,” Keiji starts, eyes softening, pulling his hand back to only rest it on the blonde’s cheek. “I’m not angry with you.” He says, leaning in to press their foreheads together, “I’m just… worried. You scared me. You scared all of us. We thought something happened.”

“Cut the shit, Keiji.” Tetsurou drawls, gaining the attention of the other two in the room. “You’re angry. We’re all angry.” He sighs, leaning on the doorframe with Koutarou peeking over his shoulder. Kei flinches, swallowing the lump in his throat and forcing himself away from Keiji.

“Tetsurou.” Keiji warns, voice sharp and stern, slowly pulling Kei back into his arms.

“Keiji.” Tetsurou glares back, walking towards them to sit on the edge of the bed. “We’re angry, fuck, we’re _really really_ angry.”

Kei looks away, feeling himself curl into the sheets. _Pathetic_ , the voice in his head tells him. “Tetsu, I-I’m sorr-”

“But not at you.” Tetsurou finishes as he pulls Kei into a tight embrace, tears staining through the fabric of the shirt he was wearing. “God Tsukki, never at you.”  

“We’re angry because-” Keiji starts, only to get cut off.

“Why didn’t you tell us?” Koutarou sniffs, eyes red rimmed and fingers shaking, twice as bad as Keiji’s. “Why didn’t you tell us you weren’t feeling well? Why didn’t you tell us you were feeling lonely? Kei, I love you. I love you so much, so why?”

Kei swallows, feeling all three of them envelop him in a hug, and with a shaky sigh, he says, “Because you were all so happy.” He mutters, hiding his face in Tetsurou’s t-shirt. “You all believed I was getting _better_ , I didn’t want to ruin that. I didn’t want to destroy that sense of… serenity. I wanted to keep being _happy_ for you.”

Tetsurou pulls away, arms still around him while Keiji settles in behind his back, his nose in Kei’s nape. Koutarou fidgets by his side, hands on Kei’s as he twiddles with his fingers. “You aren’t going to ruin our happiness, Kei.” Keiji speaks, his eyes understanding and free hand threaded with Tetsurou’s. “You aren’t going to ruin anything. We’re here to _love you._ Just because you’re not perfect doesn’t mean we don’t _want you._ ”

“You don’t know that.” Kei whispers, taking his hands away from Koutarou’s to take his glasses off, wiping away the tears in his eyes in the process. “I’m scared.” He admits at last, the lump in his throat growing more painful at the second. “I don’t want any of you to leave. Because I’m not as good as you think I am. I’m not as great as others make me out to be. I don’t think I ever will be. Not now, not ever.”

“But you already are.” Tetsurou wipes away the tears on Kei’s jaw with his thumb. “You see,” he hums, smiling slightly, “You’re already great. You’re so great, Kei. You might not think you are, but you are. To fight this every single day? You’re pretty damn great, Kei.”

“And I know you think that isn’t enough.” Keiji says before Kei could, “but it is. It’s enough and you’re doing great and we love you. I love you. Just because you lose a battle out of a million doesn’t mean we’ll just _stop_ loving you.”

Koutarou shuffles closer, scrunching up his nose, the gesture so endearing. “I don’t know about Tetsurou, but Keiji and I will _NEVER EVER EVER_ stop loving you. Because we aren’t a stupid cat.”

“Rude!” Tetsurou protests. Kei manages a small smile, shaking his head fondly at his three lovers. Silence settles over them, and Tetsurou breaks it with a sigh. “We won’t leave you, Kei. I love you too. Don’t listen to these two.” He hums, smile on his face as he leans down to kiss the blonde.

“Hey hey hey!!” Koutarou whines, pushing Tetsurou away to cuddle up close to Kei. “I want some kisses too!!” he declares, planting a wet one smack on Kei’s lips. Keiji chuckles, hugging Kei from behind, pressing kisses to his neck and jaw.

After the flurry of kisses, Kei finally shakes his head and manages a small smile; only for it to fall as quickly as it came. “It’s… enough?” he asks, playing with the tips of his fingers, clenching and unclenching them together repeatedly. “All this… is enough? Even if I never get better?”

Tetsurou nudges Kei with his shoulder. “The thing about that is, you’re already getting better. And _that_ is enough. One step at a time, love. You can do it, and to hell if anyone says otherwise. They can meet my fist to their dicks!”

Mood successfully restored, Kei laughs softly, only to be cut off by a few coughs. Scrunching up his nose, he groans. “My mouth feels like sandpaper.” He mutters.

Koutarou flails like a fish out of water as he gets out of bed, loudly proclaiming that he was ‘going to get water for the greatest person of all time!’.

Tetsurou rolls his eyes, planting one last kiss on Kei’s forehead before standing up, “I made porridge for you. Don’t worry, I didn’t let Kou touch it.”

“I heard that!” said owl yelled from the kitchen. Tetsurou laughs, running his hand through Kei’s blonde locks before moving out of the room.

With both men gone, Keiji moves to lean against Kei’s shoulder. “You really did scare me you know.” He hums, threading their fingers together.

Kei winces, setting his glasses on the bedside table quietly. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay.” Keiji smiles, pulling the blankets up closer, along with a jacket to put around Kei’s shoulders. “You get cold during winter nights.” He explains.

Kei blinks, and swallows, “What time is it-”

“Just sleep, Kei. We’ll be here in the morning.” Keiji says just as Koutarou enters with a glass of water and a wide grin. “But don’t you have classes?” Kei questions, biting his lip.

“No we don’t.” Keiji lies smoothly, eyes challenging and tone firm. Koutarou nods in agreement, grin still wide as he hands Kei his water. Kei drinks it gratefully, not protesting when Koutarou curls himself into his side like a puppy. He continues to press kisses to Kei’s cheeks, only lighter and with small reassurances muttered after every single one.

Tetsurou steps into the room with a plate of porridge in his hands a few minutes later to only see three of his lovers curled around each other, half asleep with smiles on their faces.

Huffing out a laugh, he sets the plate down on the desk and closes the door, turning off the light before making his way to the bed, “Just go to sleep already, you dorks.” He laughs, squeezing himself between Kei and Koutarou (earning some whines from the latter), he mumbles into Kei’s neck. “Porridge?”

“Tomorrow.” Kei grumbles, drowsy and dazed but still manages to find Tetsurou’s hand to hold. Tetsurou nods, kissing Kei’s nose affectionately.

“Thank you.” Kei sighs, finally relieved. The voices in his head quiet and gone for now. A chorus of ‘goodnight’s and ‘I love you’s greets him back. With warmth surrounding him in the cold winter’s night, Kei closes his eyes. And finally, _finally_ , allows himself to rest.

 

**Author's Note:**

> I was having a rough few days orz. Hence... this :'D  
> but ahhh I have amazing friends that I would trade the world for that helped me through it (SHOUT OUT TO YOU KIMMY YOU'RE THE BEST AND YOU TOO MOONSHINE)


End file.
